The Changing Eye of the Deleterious Storm
I’m going to warn you now; this will not be an interesting post.
There has been a lot of swirl spiraling its way through my mind as of these past weeks. It seems to be the culmination of a rather dramatic and emotionally exhausting year, the details of which I am too private a person to divulge publicly on the internet, except maybe to say that divorce is not a word I ever thought I’d find myself personally associated with before now.
And yet, here I am. A product of my poor choices. A series of expensive mistakes later, I am moving on with my life. Yet there seems to be a strange dichotomy developing wherein I feel both more certain of myself and my needs, and less, at the same time. Similar to the strange and fractal way time tends to simultaneously compress and expand the older I become. I am again and again presented with my own increasing disbelief at the fact that yet another year has violently shouldered its way past me while I marveled at the sheer amount of change and activity that has occurred within that rather limited span of time.
Yet, what I’ve gained in knowledge and awareness, I seem to have lost in self-certainty.
It was only four years ago (only!!) that I thought I had finally and fully abolished my deepest insecurities and fears of loneliness. Confronting the same in one of the most challenging personal environments I had ever surrounded myself with. Feeling deeply alone while flanked on all sides by a cherished network of friends.
There was a song at the time that put it all perfectly into words, and I couldn’t help but break down every time I heard it. But that same song then served as a measure of my recovery. As I worked through the associated challenges, it became less and less triggering, until, finally, it was just a (good) song and held no emotional import of any kind.
Only now I find myself confronted again newly by those supposedly abolished concerns, and seemingly on some sort of randomized hair trigger; emotions welling up unexpectedly at the strangest moments, from situations that I would have thought myself capable of handling by now and have successfully navigated in the recent past.
But you know what else?
That song triggers me again.
It’s not as severe, but it’s definitely a clear and undeniable response. And in the face of all this emotional backpeddling, I can’t help but wonder if we ever truly master these elements of ourselves, or if we ebb and flow ceaselessly with time, bound and clinging to the cellophane haze of our memories, wanting desperately to call those moments permanent as they fade further and further from mind.
What does it even mean to say that I was ever, if once, complete in some way that I ventured permanent? If that cherished state was as fleeting as any other we have encountered, what, then, does it mean to reach anything? A moment stood upon a towering mountain of sand, ever eroding into the valley below. It would almost imply that personal development in itself is a futile endeavor and the only action to take is the doing itself, devoid of concrete goals. Instead merely aiming for some distant point on the horizon, that towering mountain of sand, such that we might stand atop for a moment before surfing and stuttering our way back down to the valley below. Only to be forced to climb again, like some eternal Icarus.